Tuesday, March 15, 2011

If I wore my heart on my sleeve, i'd use it to wrap my cigarettes.

I've done a lot of shit talking in my day, and when I say a lot that’s not really a word that does the true amount justice. I've pretty much talked shit on every band, movie, trend, etc that’s come my way in the past 10 years. I've judged people just by looking at them before even knowing a thing about them. Fuck who am I kidding, I've even talked shit to my very own friends and by some odd good graces they've put up with it and stood by my side through thick and thin. Apologies have never really been my style, but to those of you who put up with me, I'm honored to have you as my friends and I love you from the bottom of my heart, and in honor of you I decided to judge someone I have every right to judge.


I'd like to think I'm a somewhat happy guy, or at least was. Then life decides to finally do its job and turn your whole world upside down causing you to throw all your perceptions of yourself out the window. Life decided to do its job on me on several occasions and every time I've always managed to pull through, learn a little bit about myself and move on. Well fuck have times changed.

This past year has been the most difficult year I've ever had to deal with, the kind of shit that brings the strongest of men down. Death, heartbreak, and disappointment got wrapped up in a pretty package with a bow and got delivered to my doorstep. I remember being mesmerized by the shiny glitter of a wrapper resembling hope shortly followed by the blunt stabbing force to the heart.

That's when I did everything I could to stop the bleeding...

The reality is there's a point where the wound is so severe that all the "medication," you've prescribed yourself no longer numbs the pain that you're feeling.

I've made some pretty poor decisions in my life, but the truth of the matter is the way I’ve chosen to deal with them is even poorer. Nights of no sleep, mornings of cold sweat, and days of keeping yourself busy to take your mind off the things your mind forces you into believing what it thinks it needs. Now that I've felt it, I can safely say there's no situation worthy of dependency and the shit storm that comes with it.

Am I perfect? Fuck no, the odds of me falling back into the same routine is very much likely to happen. If I had to describe how I'm feeling right now I’d compare it to sticking your head out of the water gasping for air after almost drowning. Safe waters are out there, I just haven't started swimming yet.

There's a long fucking road ahead of me of working on myself and gaining my sanity back. Days I’ll be up and days i'll be down. Will I ever be the same? Probably not, but I'm going to damn well try and get as close as possible.


1 comment:

  1. You can never be the same again. But you can grow and become better in many ways. That is one of the benefits of reflecting and growing the way you are now.